My next goal is 119lbs, then 112lbs, then 105lbs, then 98lbs and so on until I float on air..
Despite my excitement at loosing all this dirty fat, my life is now becoming more and more complicated hence the need to start a blog to vent my frustrations...
I have been bulimic since I was a young teen. Every now and again throughout college and uni I would manage to control my binges and purges and as a result loose weight and become, on paper at least, anorexic. Now for the past 3 years my bulimic ways have ruled my life, I bloated to 145lbs at my heaviest and become addicted to purging and laxatives. Unhealthy yes, fat yes but easy to hide and maintain my relationships/friendships.
Now that I have regained control over my urges to binge and purge, am restricting to under 500 calories a day and have lost nearly 2 stone suddenly my friends have decided I might have an eating disorder... WTF!! I have been dying inside for nearly a decade but they only give a damn now!
Last weekend I went to a music festival with my 3 best girl friends. I knew that they had their suspicions about my recent weight loss and my very best friend knew I struggled with 'weight issues' (aka EDNOS) at college/uni.
Don't get me wrong - I had an amazing time and tried so so so so hard to keep my secret! I took loads of fruit and low cal snacks and ate some veggie sausages and mash on two of the days and a jacket potato on the other day. I was really proud (and ashamed) of myself for eating so much! I used all the usual lines 'don't trust the food' etc. Despite all this effort though - my girls know about my ED!
We were playing a drinking game on the last night and i got the most drunk the quickest cos i'm a light weight and rubbish at the game (and had had 5 sambucas in about 20 mins!). Anyway I remember hearing one of them saying ' i think she has an eating disorder - im worried about her' and another said ' we'll get it out of her whilst she's drunk'
Well let me tell you that was enough to sober me up and I distracted from the conversation etc. Fortunately they got drunk and forgot about it but bloody hell im annoyed!
1) I tried so so so so hard to be normal! I ate about 5 x more than i wud normally! literally i was eating fruit in the mornings and then a big lunch of veggie sausages etc. I also managed to only purge once and I'm sure I did it really subtly! I don't know what else I could have done!
2) Why can't I be left alone to become skinny! Im still technically a normal weight for my height! so what is wrong in wanting to loose weight and become healthier?!
3) im scared theyre gonna do something - one of them (my absolute best friend) knows my bf very well and im scared shes going to suggest that i have an ED to him.... at the min i dont think he even suspects that... and theres no way i'd get away with it if he figures it out! I want to keep it a secret but if it comes out then fuck it - ill admit it but i will not stop!
4) I just don't know where I stand now - like how to play things - they're my best friends and i love them but i just don't want to see them any more because clearly i'm not keeping the secret well! It's a weird love/hate thing at the minute...And I know in my head that i'm lucky to have friends that care but it's not my head that's ruling my emotions or behaviour at the minute!
Well I think that's all I can vent for now, I'm off to drink black coffee and distract myself from the hunger pains I secretly LOVE!
Stay strong dolls! xx
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