Attempt number ten thousand at perfection

It's been ages since i've posted...went on holiday and found myself starting to feel quite good, managed to relax a bit without scales and was chuffed to find when i came home i'd only gained 2lbs despite being a bit naughty most days. Well anyway two weeks later here i am finding myself absolutely obsessing all over again! counting every single calorie, weighing myself ten times a day, feeling absolutely depressed every time i eat or feel myself 'wiggle or wobble' bleurgh!! Feel like a big fat failure and i just don't want to live hating myself!

So in another of my many attempts a perfection, today I have started the skinny girl diet :)

I'm hoping with the unlimited fruit and veg rule i can get away with eating very little of anything else.... harder than it sounds as i live with a very concerned but lovely boyfriend.

anyway will let you know how it goes...

Pole dancing

So yesterday I fasted and this morning weight 120lbs yay 110's here I come! My emotions are tied so closely to my weight; have dropped off my plateau/lost a pound and the whole world seems happier...

As well as restricting I have been trying to up my exercise. Found this hard though because the gym feels so pressured; like I can't enjoy it because i'm so focussed on burning calories. So a few weeks ago I started horse riding again and signed up for some dance classes.

Last night went to a pole dance class; was really good except that there was 3 of us beginners, I was the only one who had never done anything like it and one of them was a club podium dancer so she was shit hot! This I wouldn't mind because i'm not afraid to be a rubbish beginner - that's what practice is for! But her attitude was awful; showing off and not practising the moves we had been asked to but instead just basically podium dancing and I noticed her chatting to someone else and clearly taking the piss out of me

Again I'm not too bothered about people laughing at the fact I literally have no arm strength at all and that I was generally rubbish but I was wearing these tiny shorts and a crop top (which had taken serious bravery to put on and show so much of my fat ass). So long story short a very beautiful girl, with a perfect body was pointing and laughing at me and made me feel like absolute shit

I have paid for the beginners course up front so I have to go again, and to be fair if she hadn't been there I would've loved it. Also my arms/stomach/legs are aching today so it's a good workout I'm not letting that cow make me feel like I can't go again!

Also last night my bf was really sick really high fever, vomiting, shivering - felt so bad for him. But was also quite 'glad' he was sick because it got me out of eating tea... how wrong is that?!

Anyway today I'm not eating anything until tea -which I am making - going to bake some fish, veg and little bit of potatoes for him. And i'm going to try to drink as much as I can - 2 litres plus my brews. Going horse riding again later which I can't wait for; there's no bitchiness there and I really love it! The weekend is fairly busy and my goal is just to continue restricting to around 500 plus regular exercise- gym, riding, dancing, swimming, power walking.

Monday I am considering restarting either ABC or SGD... just to provide some structure...I really want to get to 112lbs by 27th August (holiday) and according to Losertown if I restrict from now til then to 500 and do light exercise i'll achieve this!

http://www.losertown.org/index.php

Watermelons

Well this week has the toughest week ever. I have struggled to get through it in all honesty.

I have been up and down, though mostly down. Started to wonder was the struggle worth it? Felt very unloved, unwanted and unworthy but thanks to friends I had previously underestimated i'm still here and feeling ok.

I have been trying to keep busy, went riding, dancing, seeing friends.... but I had the house to myself as my boyfriend is away and the lonely, dark nights have been really hard. By Wednesday I started using various sleeping tablets to make sure I slept right through and couldn't do anything stupid.

The GM diet went out the window. It has been all I can do just to remain in control. I started the week alternating between starving and binging but managed by Thursday to regain some control and have been restricting to around 600 calories.

Today and yesterday I have been keeping to a strict timetable to keep me busy and stop me binging. Over the weekend I'm working so i'm going to keep to my timetable - Just need to get to Monday, feel like a new week will be a new start and it'll become easier!

On a positive note I have discovered a fantastic new cleanse which i'm hoping will help me to come off the lax - watermelons. I have been eating 400grams a day (120 calories) and my word it works like the salt water flush but so much nicer and I feel hydrated rather than sluggish!

That is it for now. Stay strong xxx

Day 1 Part 1

Ok so today is day one of my week long GM detox.

According to website "

Day One All fruits except bananas. Your first day will consist of all the fruits you want. It is strongly suggested that you consume lots of melons the first day. Especially watermelon and a loupe. If you limit your fruit consumption to melons, your chances of losing three lbs. on first day are very good."

So today my start weight is 122lbs. My goal weight is 119lbs though the lower the better (it's always been my goal to be 119lbs by end of July).

So far i've eaten an apple. I have watermelon and cantaloupe melons for later. I'm feeling a bit hungry but more just craving something savoury..

I'll post back later today and let you know how i'm getting on.

much love xx

Big fat failure...

Well turns out that I'm just a big fat cow.

Currently on day 5 of GM, weight 122lbs, but pretty much slipped up every, frickin day!

I have identified that it is PEOPLE that prevent me from reaching my goals; boyfriend wants me to eat with him, friends take me out for drinks, family want family dinners - debating whether to try and find a cardboard box and making a home there, by myself!

However next week my bf is away Monday to Friday and then I'm working all weekend so realistically there is no reason why I can't follow the GM to a T!

So there you go, this week = epic fail but next week = fresh start and skinny me...

My little plan...

I'm too fat. end of.

Started at 145lbs, now 123lbs and aiming for 98lbs.

So i'm almost halfway there.

Tomorrow i'll be starting the GM diet;

Day One

All fruits except bananas. Your first day will consists of all fruits you want. It is suggested you consume lots of watermelon and cantaloupe.

Day Two

All vegetables. You are encouraged to eat until you are stuffed with all the new and cooked vegetables of your choice. There is no limit on the account or type. Avoid oil and coconut while cooking vegetables. Have large boiled potato for breakfast.

Day Three

Any mixture of fruits and vegetables of your choice. Any amount, any quantity. No bananas yet and no potatoes today.

Day Four

Bananas and milk. Today you will eat as many as eight bananas and drink three glasses of milk. You can also have one bowl of vegetables soup.

Day Five

Today is a feast day. You will eat 1 (one) cup of rice. You also have to eat 6 (six) whole tomatoes and drink 12 (twelve) glasses of water today to cleanse your system of the excess uric acid you will be producing.

Day Six

Today is another all vegetables day. You must eat 1 cup of rice today and eat all the vegetables you want cooked and uncooked to your heart's content.

Day Seven

Today your food intake will consist of 1 cup rice, fruit juice and all the vegetables you care to consume. Tomorrow morning you will be five to eight kilograms lighter than 1 week ago. If you desire further weight loss, repeat the program again. Repeat the program as often as you like, however, it is suggested that you rest for three days before every repetition.

Really hoping to see some serious weight loss :D

Numb

I feel so numb...

Nothing upsets me, makes me happy, annoys me any more....

I feel like i'm drowning but I just don't care!

My favourite baby from work has died, I have know and cared for her for her whole life - all 16 months. But I can't cry... It just doesn't feel real.

My boyfriend got some amazing news from work, I smiled, congratulated him and played the good girlfriend but I just feel sedate!

I want to care, I want to feel but I can't. This worries me more than any of my eating disorder stuff.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!

I think Kate Moss hit the nail on the head with that....Today I hit 124lbs; my lowest weight since 2007 when my anorexic ways had a much stronger hold on me than my bulimic ones. It's taken a lot of work, 21lbs worth of starving to reach this point, but oh my god it feels so good!

My next goal is 119lbs, then 112lbs, then 105lbs, then 98lbs and so on until I float on air..

Despite my excitement at loosing all this dirty fat, my life is now becoming more and more complicated hence the need to start a blog to vent my frustrations...

I have been bulimic since I was a young teen. Every now and again throughout college and uni I would manage to control my binges and purges and as a result loose weight and become, on paper at least, anorexic. Now for the past 3 years my bulimic ways have ruled my life, I bloated to 145lbs at my heaviest and become addicted to purging and laxatives. Unhealthy yes, fat yes but easy to hide and maintain my relationships/friendships.

Now that I have regained control over my urges to binge and purge, am restricting to under 500 calories a day and have lost nearly 2 stone suddenly my friends have decided I might have an eating disorder... WTF!! I have been dying inside for nearly a decade but they only give a damn now!

Last weekend I went to a music festival with my 3 best girl friends. I knew that they had their suspicions about my recent weight loss and my very best friend knew I struggled with 'weight issues' (aka EDNOS) at college/uni.

Don't get me wrong - I had an amazing time and tried so so so so hard to keep my secret! I took loads of fruit and low cal snacks and ate some veggie sausages and mash on two of the days and a jacket potato on the other day. I was really proud (and ashamed) of myself for eating so much! I used all the usual lines 'don't trust the food' etc. Despite all this effort though - my girls know about my ED!

We were playing a drinking game on the last night and i got the most drunk the quickest cos i'm a light weight and rubbish at the game (and had had 5 sambucas in about 20 mins!). Anyway I remember hearing one of them saying ' i think she has an eating disorder - im worried about her' and another said ' we'll get it out of her whilst she's drunk'

Well let me tell you that was enough to sober me up and I distracted from the conversation etc. Fortunately they got drunk and forgot about it but bloody hell im annoyed!

1) I tried so so so so hard to be normal! I ate about 5 x more than i wud normally! literally i was eating fruit in the mornings and then a big lunch of veggie sausages etc. I also managed to only purge once and I'm sure I did it really subtly! I don't know what else I could have done!


2) Why can't I be left alone to become skinny! Im still technically a normal weight for my height! so what is wrong in wanting to loose weight and become healthier?!


3) im scared theyre gonna do something - one of them (my absolute best friend) knows my bf very well and im scared shes going to suggest that i have an ED to him.... at the min i dont think he even suspects that... and theres no way i'd get away with it if he figures it out! I want to keep it a secret but if it comes out then fuck it - ill admit it but i will not stop!

4) I just don't know where I stand now - like how to play things - they're my best friends and i love them but i just don't want to see them any more because clearly i'm not keeping the secret well! It's a weird love/hate thing at the minute...And I know in my head that i'm lucky to have friends that care but it's not my head that's ruling my emotions or behaviour at the minute!

Well I think that's all I can vent for now, I'm off to drink black coffee and distract myself from the hunger pains I secretly LOVE!

Stay strong dolls! xx